*Well that was much longer writing hiatus than I’d intended to take. It turns out finding time to sit down at the computer (my preferred my to write) is pretty damn difficult with two babies that pretty much want to be held or nursed 24/7. I’ve been writing this same post for literally 5 weeks now, lol. Every time I sit down to write, I get about a paragraph done before I have to pick a baby back up; so I’ve resigned to posting from my phone for now, even though that doesn’t feel like ‘writing’ to me, for some reason. But at least I’ll be able to start blogging again, even if it is one handed.*
Those last few weeks of pregnancy were a bit stressful, and exhausting, and I genuinely couldn’t being myself to sit down and commit to writing anything here. Which is ridiculous since I know that writing or talking always help with things I’m feeling anxious about; but I also tend to withdraw and become a bit reclusive when I’m suffering from anxiety, which is the opposite of helpful.
But yes! The babies are here! All is well, and we’re all safe and sound… and I’ll save the details of their very eventful entry into our lives for a separate post.
So, those last two weeks of my twin pregnancy. Those were a doozy. Sleep was incredibly evasive, I had seemingly constant acid reflux, and everything started to swell. Just as I’d guessed in my last post, every week (heck, every day) was somehow harder and more uncomfortable than the one before.
Plus I started having stretch and sweeps shortly after my last post. And holy forking shirtballs that first one hurt SO badly. That day I was seeing one of the secondary doctors at the practice who didn’t know me as well, so maybe she didn’t know my history well enough to know that I’d never had one in my first pregnancy, but whether she’d known or not most doctors with a good bedside manner generally give you a bit of warning before they put an entire hand inside you. I didn’t get a warning, and she was not gentle. Granted I was only 1/2 a centimeter dilated, so it couldn’t have been easy, but the 3 other sweeps (oh yes, I had FOUR sweeps done… most people need one or maybe two) I had were not nearly as painful, and each time I was given a much better heads up of when they were starting and what they were doing. My beloved Dr. Pakenham even managed to hold my hand to during one when Adam couldn’t be there.
At that 36 week appointment the doctor I saw also pushed me into scheduling an induction for 38 weeks on the dot because she’d be on call, despite the fact that we’d all previously agreed that the best chance I had at a vbac involved me going into labour on my own. AND she warned me that some of the doctors at the hospital don’t agree with inducing VBAC patients, so I might have to advocate for myself during the pregnancy-induction the night before since it would be a different doctor on call. I was plenty ready to stand up for what I wanted if I needed to once labour began, but really? Right from the get-go, even though this had been my and my doctors’ plan right from the beginning?? But she was being a bit pushy, so we put it on the books with the knowledge that we could cancel any time if I changed my mind.
Which was about 15 minutes later. It took no time at all once we got in the car to decide that it wasn’t a plan I was comfortable with at all! Never mind that up until that appointment, an induction wasn’t even something we’d really discussed (apparently no one expected the tiny lady with twins to actually make it to 38 weeks, go figure), I really wanted Dr. P to be there when I delivered if at all possible. Thankfully at my next appointment a few days later I was able to go over it with her, and we decided that while yes, me going into labor naturally was the best option, I was starting to get really stressed about the possibility of another doctor potentially being on call when I showed up. Some doctors just aren’t comfortable with VBACs, and not all of them have twin experience obviously. So because of that, my gestational diabetes, and the amount of pain I was starting to feel every day just from carrying these babies around (plus the fact that baby B was still a fair amount bigger than baby A), we scheduled my induction for the day I’d be 38w2d pregnant. I’d go in that night to start the induction, and then go back the next day to deliver when Dr. Pakenham was on call. Or at least that was the plan.
Today may be the day I give up wearing shirts around the house. Having anything touch the skin around my belly button is SO painful, and it’s not as though any of my shirts cover my stomach anyway at this point. I’m officially too big to wear any of the maternity clothes I wore at the end of my first pregnancy (actually as far as pants go, I just wore my regular high-waisted Lululemons right until the end… the thought of trying to pull those up over my belly is laughable this time), and it doesn’t seem to make sense to buy anything new, so I’m making due with the three maternity tees I bought from The Gap a few months ago (I’m a huge fan of their Blackout maternity leggings, and Pure Body maternity tees), and those I save for doctors appointments and trips to the grocery store. I do have a few dressier tops that still fit, but they aren’t really necessary or appropriate for my current sedentary lifestyle.
How I’m pretty much guaranteed to look if you pop by unannounced.
Omg the belly button pain. It actually feels like my skin might just rip right open if it has to stretch out any further. And yes I’ve been putting on lotion several times a day for about 6 months now, and I also drink a literal gallon of water everyday. I’m sitting with an icepack on it right now, and that feels freaking wonderful, but I don’t think it’s a viable long term solution.
Aaaand Luna just stole my ice pack because apparently her belly hurts too. She’s been mimicking the pregnancy a lot the past few days, which has been adorable. Until now. Now she’s the only thing standing between me and some semblance of comfort. Now I’d rather her go back to wanting nothing to do with my belly and complaining that it’s in her way.
I took it back and she’s crying real tears because “her belly with her babies needs it”, and apparently our smaller ice pack just won’t do. So that’s how my night’s going.
The pretending to be pregnant has been really sweet though. Yesterday she put her Anna and Elsa dolls in her shirt and held and rubbed her ‘belly’ all night, while explaining to her other toys that she’d be having two babies soon. She refused to change out of her shirt at bedtime because then her babies would “fall out” and they “weren’t ready to be borned” yet.
Shortly after this her babies started ‘hatching’ which led to a whole other conversation.
Now she says she needs my ice pack for her foot which has magically gotten hurt while sitting on the couch with me. Not a chance, kiddo.
Yesterday I finally got around to having my maternity pictures done with the incredibly talented Vicki at Centreline Design, and I can’t recommend her enough! She made me feel completely comfortable, and she knew exactly what she was doing. Vicki edited and posted a couple of images for me last night, and oh my goodness I love them! I didn’t have any professional pictures taken when I was expecting Lu, and I always regretted it. I love the way I look when I’m pregnant; I feel so much more confident and beautiful in such a natural way. I will wear things and post pictures of myself when very pregnant that I’d never dream of wearing or posting when I’m just my normal self. I also don’t have to think about sucking in my stomach, or planning my outfits to hide my self perceived imperfections, which is so freeing. This whole experience has just flown by, and I’m so happy I’ll have these pictures to look back on in the future.
And holy crap am I glad we did it yesterday and not a moment later. Today has been rough Everything is getting harder. You should probably expect me to say that again. And again. I keep thinking I’ve hit the wall with this pregnancy, and then the universe laughs and says “you know nothing Jon Snow” and it gets worse. Kind of like that time I thought I was so ready to get pregnant again and add another kid to our family. After all, my first pregnancy was relatively easy and I really enjoyed it. And our first kid was such a gem! So well behaved, and clever, surely we knew what we were doing, having one more would be a piece of cake. And the universe laughed, and laughed…
There’s the stretching of the skin of course, but in addition to my belly being extra sensitive, it’s also growing so quickly that I don’t have a handle on how far it sticks out so I keep bumping into the corners of tables and counter tops, and knocking my kid in the wall. Seriously, that last one has happened twice this week. I’ve got a mystery scratch on one side that’s so deep it was bleeding, but I can only see it in the mirror so I have no idea which collision it came from. The babies movements are starting to hurt, which really sucks. I’m not sure if it’s because my uterus is over-stretched and tender, or because they’re running out of space, or if it’s just par for the course when there are two whole other human beings living inside of you. I’m actually happy now that their placentas are across the front, I can’t imagine how much more I’d be feeling if there wasn’t that extra barrier between them and my skin.
Somebody stretching themselves out. My belly stayed like this for a good 10 minutes before mystery baby went back to their normal spot and my belly went back to it’s regular shape.
I’m also having painful contractions throughout the day and night, which puts me on edge every time because is labour starting? Do I need to start timing? Where’s my phone? Why won’t the timing app open? Never mind, my belly isn’t even hard. Then why does it hurt? Is it placental abruption? Never mind, now it’s all tense. Shit, maybe I should have timed it.
I’ve given up calling them Braxton Hicks, because these are for real. The pain wraps around to my back, and I’m still getting stabby pains in my cervix that take my breath away. It’s definitely something, just not labour quite yet.
But it could be! Because we have officially beat the odds! As I’ve said a dozen times already, I’m sure, 50% of twins are born before 36 weeks, and we hit that milestone today!! If I can keep these babies gestating for another 6 days, they won’t even be considered premature anymore, which would be so amazing. Even if they were to come in the next few days there’s a real chance that they could room-in with me at the hospital and that we could all come home together, with no NICU stay or time away from each other.
This week our Dr. will check to see if I’ve started dilating at all, and if I have, they’ll start doing cervical sweeps (where they try to gently separate baby A’s amniotic sac from my cervix, which can kick start the hormones needed to get labour going). I’ve heard it’s painful, and it won’t do anything if my body isn’t ready to go into labour, but my doctors and I agree that anything we can do to get me to go into labour naturally is worth it. Since our ultimate goal is a VBAC, the fewer induction methods we rely on, the better, since they tend to have a snowball effect.
For instance if I need Pitocin to get contractions started, then I’ll have to wear a heart rate monitor for each baby during my entire labour. This would limit my freedom of movement, and would mean more nurses coming in and out to fix the monitors when they eventually shift. Pitocin also throws you straight into intense, painful contractions without the gradual build up you have with naturally occurring labour. This leads to a higher rate of epidural use, and can cause the babies’ heart rates to drop. All of these things increase the chances of needing a c-section.
But. Regardless of how labour ends up going down, I feel so much more prepared for every outcome this time. I’ll do everything within my power to deliver these babies naturally, and I will be really upset if that doesn’t happen because I’m not planning on having any more children… but at least this time I know what to expect with a c-section, and the policies at the Peterborough hospital are so much better. When Luna was born I didn’t get to hold her until she was two hours old. With the twins I can hold them as soon as I’m closed up, and Adam will be waiting with them in the next room. The nurses will help me to nurse them immediately, whereas with Luna it was over 3 hours before that became a priority, and by then she was too drowsy to latch. I’ll also have access to lactation consultants in the hospital who have experience with multiples and who will make sure I’m comfortable with nursing both babies before I’m discharged.
And the babies are doing so, so well. At our last ultrasound they were estimated at 4lbs 14oz (baby A), and 5lbs 8oz (baby B), which a full pound of growth each in two weeks and the perfect amount for each of them. This week they should be around 5 1/2 and 6 1/2 pounds respectively, and we’ve seen them practicing their breathing, sucking, and swallowing skills which are three of the main things they need to be able to do at birth. The only other thing is being able to keep their body temperatures and blood sugar levels regulated on their own, and their weights suggest that shouldn’t be a problem.
So I’m worried, and I’m anxious, and I’m afraid of what labour will be like. I’m terrified that my postpartum depression will come back, and oh my god I am so scared about Luna feeling left out or unimportant in any way… but I’m also excited. I am so damn excited to meet these two little souls that have been growing inside of me. To see what colour their eyes are, and let them hold my finger with their whole hand; to sing to them and hope they recognize my lullabies; to hold them on my chest while they sleep, and smell that delicious new baby smell.
There are two people about to be on this earth who only exist because Adam and I love each other, and wanted to add another awesome little being to our family.
And also because we drank a lot of beer during the World Cup semi-finals while we were in England, and were somehow given a two-for-one special when I distinctly remember only requesting the one healthy baby.
Okay. So. We have bought the carseats, the stroller and adapters, some newborn pjs, and a top of the line breast pump. All the baby clothes up to 3 months have been washed and put away, and the dresser in my room has been turned into a change table. 3 weeks ago we got our new van (a Honda Odyssey , which we love!) so we can actually fit all of our many children in our vehicle at the same time, and my hospital bag is packed.
And it is March.
This is the month the babies will be born.
April 1st I’d be into my 40th week of pregnancy, and the odds of me still actually being pregnant at that point are astronomically low. As I’ve said before, 50% of twins are born before 36 weeks, 63% before 37 weeks. Unfortunately there aren’t really any accurate statistics after that, because a lot of doctors insist on delivering twins at 37 weeks, 38 at maximum. But these are generally induced labours, or scheduled c-sections due to the fear of complications increasing after that point. I very much disagree with this practice.
From what I’ve read and heard from other twin moms, they aren’t really given an option, and are just told that the odds of stillbirth are higher after 37 weeks. They’re often told that the risks ‘greatly’ increase or that they’re ‘significantly’ higher, but this is incredibly misleading. Yes the odds do go up quite a bit, because they were so extremely low to begin with… but much like a the risk go up to about 1% after 42 weeks with a single baby, the odds go up to about 1% after 36 weeks with identical twins, and 38 weeks with fraternal twins. But when you hear ‘the odds increase significantly’ you think the worst and a lot of people just go along with it, leading to the elective delivery of otherwise healthy premature babies who end up needing NICU time and interventions that could have been avoided.
Today I’m 35 weeks which blows my forking mind. March was always a big goal for Adam and I, and it alway seemed so very far away. Obviously the longer they can stay all cozied up inside me, the better, but after being immersed in the online world of twins for the past 7 months… 35 weeks doesn’t even feel that early to give birth to me anymore. Which is nuts since with a normal pregnancy that would be over a month early, and it’s definitely still premature. We also wanted them to be born in March so they’d have their own birth month; there’s a two week period from January 29th to February 14th during which we have Adam’s birthday, our anniversary, Adam’s mom’s birthday, and my birthday which happens to fall on Valentine’s Day. We really, super did not want to add two more birthdays into that time frame. Small potatoes, I know, but it’s one less thing to worry about.
I’m officially and completely done working now, which has been wonderful. I worried about being bored, or the time passing too slowly but so far the opposite has been true. As soon as I wrap my head around the week of development that we’re in, it’s Saturday again and it’s a whole new week. Between all the washing, and sorting of baby clothes, narrowing down shopping and do to lists, napping, cooking diabetes friendly food, exhaustively researching twin specific newborn tips and tricks (I’ve yet to find anything I haven’t already read, but you never know, right?), and multiple pre-natal appointments, I don’t seem to have a whole lot of time to get bored before it’s time to get Luna from the bus.
Which is the hardest part of my day, not because Luna is difficult by any means, but because I have none of the energy for any of the things, and I really can’t run around or get up and down to play the way she wants. And I feel exceptionally guilty when she asks me to carry her somewhere because I really shouldn’t, but sometimes I do and I usually regret it (although it’s hilarious when she tells people that she has her “very own seat” when I carry her now, and “I’m sitting on the babies!”). Goodness knows we’re lucky to have a very independent, well behaved, compassionate little girl, but there are only so many rounds of ‘Mama’s trapped on the couch because the floor is the ocean and she’s surrounded by sharks’ type games a four year old will put up with before she announces “this is borrrrring”.
Today when she got off the bus she said “Oh, I didn’t think you’d be here!”, and when I asked why she said “I thought you’d be having the babies”. She asks all the time when they’re coming, and says she’s excited to share her toys with them. We often talk about what her ‘big sister jobs’ will be, and today we went over the importance keeping little toys put away, and although it’s a lovely idea she absolutely cannot share her new legos with the babies. For the rest of the night she asked about different toys, and if those were things the babies could choke on. I told her we didn’t need to worry about that for a while, “Yes we do, its very important.” she answered very seriously. If she’s half as good at being a big sister as she acts now, then these are some lucky little babies, I tell you.
Ah yes, the babies. The not so little, little babies. Two weeks ago they were estimated to be 4lbs 2oz (A), and 4lbs 11oz(B), and they were still both head down with baby A resting their head directly on my cervix, which is fantastic for labour if it stays that way! Not fantastic for my comfort level, but if it helps increase my odds of a successful vbac then I’ll put up with the occasional feeling of a baby trying to claw their way into my vagina for a few more weeks.
Because there’s been some slight concern about baby A not growing at quite the same rate as baby B, we’ve been going for weekly Non Stress Tests (NSTs) at the Peterborough hospital. They set me up with three monitors on my belly, one to track any contractions I’m having, and one for each babies heart rate; they get a baseline of each heart rate, and then want to see it go at least 15 beats above and below that baseline over the 20 minutes. They also give me a button to push every time I feel a baby move. This will hopefully help to catch any issues with blood flow or oxygen supply in time to safely deliver both babies if the need arises, and they also take my blood pressure and check my urine to make sure my kidneys are working as they should and that I’m not showing any sings of pre-eclampsia (extremely high blood pressure which can be very dangerous during pregnancy). It’s been a bit of a pain to drive 40 minutes each way for a 20 minute test once, and sometimes twice a week (depending when all the different appointments fall), but we kew this would happen eventually. This week we also start having weekly ultrasounds and Dr’s appointments, so we’ll have more frequent updates on their growth and position, which is exciting.
Plus watching them interact in there, and seeing how they change in between appointments never gets old. At the last scan we could see how chubby baby B’s cheeks were! We’ve been able to see them both taking practice breaths too, which is extra cool since the tech told us they only do it a few times a day for about 30 seconds; so we’re lucky to have caught it. Baby A seems to like to sleep with their hands up over their head just like Luna and I do, and baby B is always holding something, like their foot, their other hand, and last time they were holding and sucking on their umbilical cord. Which was both adorable and kind of icky to think about, but apparently it’s something most babies do in utero. I can’t wait to see if any of these habits stay for long after they’re born.
We can often see them moving from the outside too which is fascinating. It kind of makes Adam want to throw up (not because he thinks it’s gross, but because imagining how it must feel is a bit too much for him, and apparently it looks painful), but we love watching their little feet push and slide around at the top of my stomach. It’s getting to be uncomfortable sometimes, because they are big enough to give a solid kick or push, but it isn’t usually painful. The ones I hate are when I can feel their fingers fiddling around at the bottom of my uterus or on my cervix. Not a nice feeling.
And I am huge. I’ve only gained about 31lbs, which is either right on track or a bit less than I’d gained with Luna at this same point of pregnancy, but my belly is ginormous. I need to take a proper picture this week so I can do a side-by-side comparison, but I’m absolutely sure I’m the same size or larger when I delivered Luna at 41 weeks. Which would make sense since she only (hahaha, only) weighed 8lbs 5oz at birth, and the twins are currently sitting around 10lbs, never mind the fact that there’s a whole extra placenta in there. I feel pretty medium overall, and I know it could definitely be worse. There’s a lot of pressure and pain in my pelvis from the weight of the babies and their positions, I feel like I’ll never be able to drink enough water, and I get incredibly stiff when I stay still for more than 20 minutes. The good news is that the gestational diabetes isn’t causing any complications, and I can still do small bouts of physical activity before I have to sit and catch my breath. A lot of women are on bed rest by this point in a twin pregnancy (or have already delivered!), so I know I’m lucky to be doing as well as I am. I don’t know if it’s genetics, or because I was so physically active for the first 7 months, or a combination of both, but whatever the reason, I’m glad for it.
34 weeks 3 days. Yes, I’m in my underwear, no I don’t care.
Sunday will be my final test of endurance because I’m going to spend the day in Peterborough watching the girls I’ve coached all year compete in their second gymnastics meet of the year. I’ll mostly be sitting, but it will be a long day away from my couch, and I’m sure it will be draining. It’s the last thing I have planned though, so after that the babies can come any time. I really hope they don’t. But they can. I guess…
From Three to Five 